


Leksa kom Trikru

by Alexis_Payton



Series: The Little Pauna [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Lostia (Past), One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 18:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12238146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Payton/pseuds/Alexis_Payton
Summary: Set after Heda's Warrior.First time writing from Lexa's POV, just to check in on how she's handling all the events that have happened in the Little Pauna Series.No summary to avoid spoilers.





	Leksa kom Trikru

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short one shot because I was feeling sentimental this weekend :)  
> Big thanks to Bitch on Fire for reading this before I post.  
> Hope you enjoy :)

 

_Clarke’s face morphed from confusion, to disbelief, to hurt, and then finally settled on a livid expression of betrayal. It felt as though Lexa’s heart was being shredded in her chest as she watched those blue eyes fill with angry tears._

_She reached out then, to comfort Clarke? To apologise? To take it back? But even as her hand reached for her, Clarke seemed to drift further away. The gates at Mount Weather, the trees surrounding them, all blurred together as Lexa tried to move toward Clarke and yet the more she struggled to get closer, the further they seemed to drift apart._

_Lexa stopped struggling though, when Clarke was suddenly holding Aiden in her arms._

_And what had she done? How could she have betrayed them both?_

_Lexa started pushing forward again. Attempting to run to them, but her feet felt firmly tethered to the ground. Lexa looked down, trying to see what was restraining her, feeling for her sword to cut it away, but found herself uncharacteristically unarmed. Seeing nothing, yet still feeling weighted down, she glanced toward Clarke and Aiden, trying to explain that she couldn’t move; wanting to beckon them closer, only to see Gregor of the River Clan looming behind them, giant axe in hand..._

_‘Clarke!’ Her mouth opened in a scream, but no sound came out, even when her throat felt raw at the intensity of the shout._

_All Clarke did was glare at Lexa in disappointment, so caught up in feeling betrayed that she was oblivious to her surroundings._

_‘No!’ Lexa wordlessly screamed again, when Gregor lifted his axe, Aiden wailing as he watched the weapon rising above them, Clarke’s sad sad eyes solely trained on Lexa… Lexa watched, horrified, as the axe came hurtling down -_

_‘Clarke!’_

Lexa tore away from her invisible restraints as she reared up in bed and into wakefulness.

She exhaled a relieved breath, even as her heart continued to slam against her ribs. Her shift was soaked in sweat as it clung to her back and chest.

Lexa felt completely exhausted and yet still as though she was on the verge of rushing off into battle.

A tentative hand touched her hip and Lexa’s eyes fluttered as some of the lingering panic and fear instantly drained away from her.

Clarke’s thumb caressed over her skin. Probing. Testing. Lexa covered Clarke’s hand with her own to indicate that she was fully awake. Lucid. Not still stuck in a nightmare. At the confirmation, Clarke’s hand expanded its reach to stroke over Lexa’s stomach, soothing and familiar, as she slid closer to Lexa and curled her body to her side.

Lexa had always been plagued by nightmares. The last time Clarke had had to deal with them though, had been when they’d started sharing a bed after the tournament. Even during the short bursts of time Lexa had actually spent at home those first few months, Clarke had quickly learned the best way to help Lexa wake and how to calm her thereafter. And soon it was enough for Lexa to simply know that Clarke was there in bed with her - holding her - for her nightmares to have all but stopped.

That was up until a few weeks prior, when they'd been travelling to Arkadia on Aiden’s first visit to the Mountain. It was on the way, some miles before they would pass Ton DC, that their caravan was attacked by a group of opportunistic raiders.

There was never any real danger with their guard so heavy and skilled, and they'd taken care of the threat in a matter of minutes… But Lexa had stood frozen. She'd managed to dismount from her horse and had then watched as an arrow whizzed past Clarke’s back as the blonde kept Aiden close and covered, ducking away from the wayward projectile.

Grunt had taken out the archer a split second later, but Lexa had remained rooted in place. Watching in terror as Clarke drew one of her blades, dipping into a defensive stance, even as she protectively cradled Aiden in one arm.

And all Lexa could do was watch as Aiden’s chin quivered, and he cried and cried, until it was all that she could hear for hours even when he had fallen asleep shortly after the incident...

It was on that day, that the feeling of helplessness that had plagued Lexa’s young life resettled, and that evening Lexa’s nightmares had started up again.

It wasn’t always Gregor, nor were they always at Mount Weather. Sometimes it was Guwain, or Abel. Sometimes it was even the Heda Lexa had defeated. Worst though, was when it was Lexa herself, twirling her lance, readying to strike them down…

Clarke pressed her face into Lexa's neck, her hand still calming over Lexa's stomach.

“Wanna talk about it?” She mumbled, her lips brushing against Lexa’s skin, helping to erase the last vestiges of horror left by the nightmare.

Lexa shook her head, breathing in the comfort of feeling Clarke so close; feeling Clarke’s heart beating strong against her upper arm.

"Wanna forget about it?" Clarke smirked against her jaw, a thumb teasing beneath Lexa’s breast, over the scar left behind by that bullet.

Lexa grinned, relieved more than anything that Clarke was too sleepy to push for information. She’d deal with the inevitable questions in the morning though, when she felt less of an exposed nerve in a sandstorm. Right then, Lexa was content to take the comfort Clarke was offering, as she tilted her head and pressed their lips together.

She pushed Clarke back into the pillows, the world fading away to be replaced by Clarke’s skin and Clarke’s mouth, until Clarke stilled beneath her. Lexa frowned, about to ask what was wrong when she heard the familiar soft sniffles.

She and Clarke remained stock-still, listening and waiting. Hoping. But they both knew what would come next, a little hiccup and then a sad little wail which Lexa really hoped would one day not clench around her heart.

“I’ve got him.” Clarke smiled, placing a quick peck on Lexa’s lips and shifting out underneath her, out of the covers, and through the mosquito netting that covered their bed, because one time they’d been making love, only for Lexa to discover Aiden standing up in his cot watching them.

 _Little weirdo._ Lexa grinned and laid on her side, watching Clarke through the sliver of space she’d left in the netting. Aiden usually slept through the night these days… Maybe he’d had a nightmare too. Lexa could only hope it wasn’t anything resembling her own. Or had she been screaming in her sleep and woken him? That usually didn’t happen, or at least, no one had ever mentioned it to her…

Clarke would settle Aiden easily though. She was a natural caregiver.

She was who their people needed, who Lexa needed, and with seemingly little effort at all, exactly who Aiden needed her to be.

He instantly quieted as Clarke laid him on the couch, watching her as mesmerized as Lexa was in that moment, as Clarke quickly changed him; smiling down at him and speaking in that soothing voice that calmed them both…

Peace.

All Lexa had ever wanted was peace. And she'd dedicated her life toward that cause. And if there was one cold hard truth she had learned over the years, it was that peace never lasted. That maintaining peace would be a lifelong battle.

But now she had Clarke. Her brave and beautiful warrior. Clarke who deserved so much more than constant battles and sacrifice. Clarke who could take care of herself no matter how overprotective Lexa sometimes was.

But Aiden... Lexa heart clenched so painfully she had to press her face into the pillow to smother her injured whimper so it wouldn’t reach Clarke’s ears. Tiny Aiden, who was so small and so vulnerable... Who counted on Lexa to keep him safe.

Aiden was in so much danger because he was theirs... Because Lexa was Heda. Because Lexa had looked into his big blue eyes and had felt her world shifting like it had done the first time she’d met Clarke.

Lexa had made a selfish decision then; solely with her heart and not her head. And now Aiden would carry the burden of being the Heda’s son. As Clarke carried the burden of being the Heda’s houmon. But Clarke had made a choice at least, one Lexa still couldn’t quite fathom, but had given up on questioning as to not upset Clarke. But Aiden? Was it fair to place a baby in so much danger just because, what? Because Lexa had thought that she could have a normal life? A _family_?

What did she even know about having a family? All Leksa kom Trikru had ever known was that family got taken away from her. _Always._

When Clarke laid a sleeping Aiden back down, Lexa quickly shut her eyes and evened out her breaths. She couldn’t let Clarke see her then. Clarke was already suspicious about the nightmares being back. Lexa couldn’t let Clarke see what haunted her every waking thought now. How much fear she carried that she would lose them both, because she’d slipped up and had thought for one second that she could be happy.

Because if Clarke saw, Clarke would try to fix it. To fix her. And Lexa had already asked too much of Clarke to bear.

So, Lexa pretended to be asleep, taking as much comfort as she could in the arms that settled around her, and the soft lips that tenderly kissed her temple.

* * *

Clarke lay on her back, on the plush carpet in the cosy living room they’d taken to frequenting when Skaikru visited. Aiden sat on Clarke’s stomach, merrily squealing as Clarke tickled him.

It wasn’t unusual for her and Clarke to have bonded at their age. Nor to have already started building a family. Life was short, and throughout the clans, _family_ was what had always been important. The bigger, the better. A large, prospering, family was what most warriors fought to protect; to leave behind as their legacy…

“No, Mama!” Aiden laughed, even as he pushed his tiny body closer so Clarke wouldn’t stop.

Lexa gripped the arm of the elaborately carved dining room chair she sat on. Surrounded by friends. Family. Yet all she could see was Clarke and Aiden.

It hurt.

At first it had been a good ache. If such a thing existed. Lexa could almost feel the way her heart expanded with love for them. But recently, it felt like _too much_. Like she was filled to the brim; choking, suffocating; ready to _burst_ at any second.

It hurt so much to love them and Lexa was certain that it wasn’t supposed to feel that way.

Clarke leaned up, whispering something to Aiden, whose head whipped around to instantly find Lexa. His tiny hand shot up, a finger pointing, two uneven front teeth was bared in a gummy smile intended solely for her.

“Namon!” Aiden’s utter delight at Lexa’s mere existence brought a thick knot to her throat.

Her eyes burned, the corners of her mouth quivering as Lexa instantly grinned back at him. How could she not? His first word had been ‘Namnam’. Because Clarke would always speak to him about Lexa, whether it was just pointing her out, or telling him stories of all they’d been through, of who Lexa was. They spoke to him mostly in Trigedasleng and he hasn’t quite gotten the hang of Nomon yet, but Lexa didn’t care. She knew who she was to him. The way those big blue eyes looked at her as though she’d hung the moon...

Aiden knew who Lexa was; who she was supposed to be to him. It was demonstrated each time he blindly leapt into her arms with complete and utter trust that Lexa would catch him even when she’d sometimes not even known it, he would unexpectedly come flying at her.

But she caught him. She always did. And yet all Lexa could think of was what if one day, she couldn’t?

Clarke and Aiden continued their game of pointing out and naming everyone in the room, while Lexa’s world started spinning with anxiety. She straightened in the chair. Stiff. Regal. Clarke had been sending her surreptitious glances, having noticed Lexa’s behaviour; the mask she’d pulled on just to get her through that day.

_‘You’re ready for this, don’t doubt yourself.’ Costia confidently told Lexa while she strapped on her armour, feeling faint. She’d won her Conclave. The ancestors had foretold that it would be so. And yet she was a child that will have stand at the head of an army of giants, and ask them to follow her to their probable deaths._

_‘You are Heda.’ Anya emerged from the shadows of the room, done giving them their moment. ‘You do not ask, you command. You will not be questioned; your word is law. Every chair you sit on, will be your throne!’_

Lexa’s back straightened in the chair. She knew she looked odd, out of place in the warmth of family that emanated throughout the room. Lexa had separated herself, and people were starting to notice. She was ruining it for Clarke.

So she rose to her feet and hoped her wobbling knees weren’t noticeable as she went to scoop up Aiden and kissed his seemingly always wet and drooling mouth, before she bent down to deposit him safely onto Clarke again. Next, she pecked Clarke’s cheek and told her she would be back in a bit.

Lexa gave no reason for her exit. She was Heda. She nodded stiffly to Abby and Kane. Vaguely inclined her head to Bellamy, Echo and Raven, dismissed Grunt moving to follow her with a wave of her hand.

She held her chin high under the confused stares and fled the room with as much dignity as she could muster.

* * *

“Lexa!”

_Jok._

She’d thought she had made her escape. Her fingers itched at the thought of locking herself in her workshop and just carving out bars of soap until nightfall.

Lexa held back her sigh and turned to smile at Abby who had followed after.

“Nomon. Do you need anything?” Lexa politely offered. She would give Abby the world, because Abby had given Clarke to the world.

Abby looked down the long corridor, there was a guard stationed at each end. Lexa had grown even more paranoid since Aiden’s arrival. She allowed Abby to take her by the arm and guide her into a guest room.

It was Kane and Abby’s guest room actually, now that Lexa took stock of her surroundings. What was happening to her? She was overly attentive and yet had become prone to spacing out, caught up in her own mind. Which in turn just added to her growing anxiety.

She mechanically sat down when Abby pulled the stool of the vanity out for her, and watched as her nomon went to sit down on the bed.

They stared at each other, Abby seemingly not knowing how to say what she wanted to say and Lexa awkwardly glancing toward the door, longing for her workshop. Her solitude.

Finally, Abby spoke.

“I know how difficult it can be, feeling a responsibility to your people and having that conflict with the responsibility you feel toward your family…”

Lexa visibly sighed that time and then scowled. Had she really become that transparent?

“Don’t worry, I think Clarke is the only other person who has noticed that you’ve been… anxious. And has maybe figured out why that might be. She hasn’t confided in me about it, yet. I think she’s hoping to speak to you first.”

Lexa nodded. What was it about these Griffin women, who could see right through her? Why did they even bother asking her what was wrong, if they always knew the answer?

“You will speak to her…?” Abby prodded and Lexa’s jaw clenched.

She did not appreciate that her running away was being thrown in her face in her own home. But this was Abby. Abby cared about her. Lexa knew, because Abby had said so and Abby wasn’t someone who would just say such things when she didn’t mean them.

“Sha, Nomon.” Lexa answered. “I will speak to her, as soon as I know what to say.”

Abby was quiet for a while, Lexa sitting upright on the stool like it was made out of antlers. Staring at the bed Abby sat on, instead of at her.

“Sometimes it’s okay to just say what you’re feeling, without knowing how to stop feeling that way…”

Lexa nodded. She knew. She knew she could speak to Clarke.

“I’ve asked her to be a leader to our people. To be my wife. To be a mother to our child. All of these things I’ve asked, and she’s doing them so perfectly, and I… I’m the one who’s faltering…”

Abby remained strategically quiet as the words sprung free from Lexa’s throat.

“I am Heda.” She softly stated. “But I’m also Clarke’s houmon. I’m Aiden’s nomon…” Lexa inhaled a shaky breath. “Some days I feel so completely theirs that nothing else matters.”

She paused. Her thoughts slipping away. Caught up again in the storm that had been raging within her. A storm filled with love and doubt and a sense of duty that Lexa wasn’t quite sure any more where to direct.

“It’s true that I’m conflicted, Nomon.” Lexa admitted. “I feel as though I will need to make a choice between my family and my people, because with each day that passes, it feels that I cannot have both. That I’m being selfish. That I’m asking too much of Clarke. That I’ve imprisoned Aiden in this house under a heavy guard, because I love him…”

“Lexa, you don’t have to choose…”

Lexa’s watery eyes flashed as she finally locked onto Abby.

“They are everything to me.” Lexa harshly whispered, feeling herself slipping. Her composure crumbling. “They deserve everything. My duty should be solely to them.” She decisively stated and fled yet another room in her own bloody house.

* * *

Lexa ran. Twelve years old, her arms and legs felt too long for her body even when she was still the smallest of the Sekens. Lexa hated it. She hated that no matter how much she practiced, it felt as though she would never be ready. How could _she_ be the one that was meant to become Heda and bring peace to their people?

Everyone else in the village seemed certain though. They all stared at her when she walked passed them. When she carried buckets of water from the well to Anya’s home. They stared until Anya would glare at them, causing them to scatter, allowing Lexa to train and be knocked on her back in private, until the next day, when it would just happen again.

It had been many Winters since she’d come to the village and still Lexa didn’t feel part of the people at all. She was something separate. She was a Novitiate, her life was dedicated to training ten times harder than any other Seken. They, at least, were allowed to play.

Lexa wasn’t sure that she even wanted friends. Even her parents had been training her, knowing that she would one day be asked to participate in the Conclave. Lexa wouldn’t even know how to play. She just wanted the choice though... And so began her rebellion. Against Anya. Lexa respected Anya. She was terrified of her. But she knew Anya meant well. That she cared in her own way. And that knowledge gave Lexa the courage to start randomly disappearing from her training sessions.

Running away when she knew she was supposed to be sparring with the training dummy was _exhilarating._

Lexa still had her training staff in hand as she ran through the field, hacking away at the flowers and weeds. She laughed to herself, subconsciously moving into the parrying positions Anya had taught her.

She rolled her eyes when she realised she was still training. But it felt different, then. Lexa _wanted_ to bring peace to her people. It just felt nice when it seemed as though it was actually her choice to do so.

She let out a war cry, flipping her body into a perfect spin, so proud when she didn’t clumsily fumble like she usually did over her awkward pubescent limbs. She lunged forward and stabbed at a tree, striking at it lightning fast, discovering a natural grace with her weapon, without the pressure of her people bearing down on her.

_“What did this tree ever do to you?”_

Lexa let out an embarrassing shriek, before remembering herself. She clutched her training staff and puffed out her chest as she vigilantly glanced around.

“Show yourself.” She commanded, deepening her tone and lifting the staff, making sure to stay light on her feet, unsure as to which direction the voice had come from.

She was answered by the sound of giggling and Lexa glanced up into the tree and summarily found her entire world shifting.

Lexa stared in open-mouthed wonder at the girl perched on a tree branch. A mass of dark braids pulled back into a ponytail. The girl’s skin was a rich brown and her eyes the colour of chocolate.

Lexa had had chocolate only once in her life. Gustus had brought a block back from the Ailonkru which he had shared between her and the Twins. It was a small piece and Lexa had regretted shoving it all in her mouth instead of breaking off a tiny piece and trying to make it last longer. Now it was only a memory, something she couldn’t quite remember the taste of, but knew that it was her favourite taste in the world.

_“Leksa!”_

Maybe because it was Gustus’s voice in the distance calling out to her and not Anya’s, made her brave in that moment as she stared back into those curious chocolate pools and breathed out a shaky: ‘Hei.’ Going so far as to lift her hand to wave, forgetting that she was still holding the staff which for some reason she then lost her grip on, panicking in a sudden overwhelming embarrassment as though the pretty girl somehow knew she’d forgotten, and then proceeded to fumble with the stick until it eventually fell to the ground.

Lexa stared at it in horror, feeling betrayed by it, before she quickly snatched it up, bright red, and straightened, lifting her chin and puffing out her chest, pretending that she’d meant to do all of that. She ignored the shout of her name as she got lost in those eyes again, filled with merry laughter.

Lexa knew it was at her expense, but was still somehow pleased that she had caused that glittering light.

“What’s your name?” She whispered, desperately trying not be discovered by the people searching for her just yet.

“Kostia.” The girl smiled and oh, Lexa forgot to _breathe_ and she just grinned back. Her face hurting and she wondered if she looked as crazy as she felt all of a sudden.

“Kostia…” She repeated in wonder and girl’s smile grew wider and Lexa’s heart bigger.

_“Leksa!”_

_Jok._ That had been Anya. Lexa’s smile dropped and she stared in the direction of the shouts.

“I have to go.” She urgently told Costia.

_Kostia._

Lexa’s smile grew again. Unbidden.

“See you around, Leksa.” Costia said, looking a bit worried as she glanced at the search party, probably guessing the trouble Lexa was in.

Lexa didn’t quite care in that moment. Because the pretty girl knew her name. And yes, maybe it was because people were shouting it for the entire Trikru territories to hear, but Costia knew it and she said she would see Lexa around…

“I hope so.” Lexa inadvertently murmured out loud, causing the girl to smile at her again and Lexa felt warm all over before she focused hard on waving goodbye with her hand and not her staff like a normal person, and then ran off to her fate.

Anya never gave her a hiding. She only increased the chores Lexa was tasked with, or upped her training regiment, or both. Lexa took her punishment with renewed vigour, because she had made a choice and had decided that the consequences were worth it. And also she had met Costia, who during the course of the following week could be noticed walking by in Lexa’s periphery, making sure to smile and wave before disappearing again.

Lexa would wave back and then awkwardly pretend nothing happened when she felt Anya’s sharp eyes on her. Anya never forbade her from having friends. Lexa thought that maybe Wrex and Grunt were her friends. A couple of years older, they seemed more of her guards, overly-protective and they usually sparred with her, more so than they actually played. But that was enough for Lexa. She liked them. They _were_ her friends. And she hoped that Costia would be her friend too.

Anya watched her like a hawk, training her so hard that Lexa could only fall into her bed afterward and sleep. Always warm, always fed, even when her body ached from exhaustion and exertion. But Anya was a leader in their village and she had other responsibilities aside from Lexa, and the second that Anya was needed elsewhere - deciding to leave Lexa to make new training staffs instead of wasting the time having Lexa shadow her - Lexa was off running into the forest.

She’d made the staffs. Anya never said how many, but Lexa had grown so skilled with her knife she could make them three times faster than anyone she knew. She ran to the tree, having no idea where to find Costia, feeling ridiculous that she’d actually thought Costia would even be there. They hadn’t planned to meet, they hadn’t spoken about it. Lexa didn’t even know where Costia lived; if she was a real person, or maybe just a figment of her imagination.

She sat on the grass, under the tree, scowling as she thought whether she was as crazy as old man Isaac who shouted at her from his doorstep, waving his cane whenever Lexa walked passed him, as though her existence agitated him. Nothing he said made sense. He spoke a language only known to himself and to the spirits he seemed to have the longest discussions with on his porch.

“Hei…”

Lexa jumped in her skin. She blamed Anya for always hammering it into her head that she should always be aware of her surroundings. She should be. Lexa agreed, but her mind was always wondering these days, more often than not to the girl standing in front of her.

“Hei.” Lexa smiled back and then panicked because now what? Costia was there and Lexa had only thought incessantly on seeing her again, not what she would actually _say_ once she did.

But Costia seemed to know what to do. She plopped down next to Lexa and started talking as though they’d been friends forever and Lexa just avidly listened to every word she said. Costia was an orphan too. She supposed her new parents were okay, but they had younger kids of their own, and it was difficult for her to feel part of the family. So Costia spent her days in the forest and she showed Lexa a side of their lands that the future Commander had never experienced.

Lexa fell in love with the Trikru forest because of Costia. She discovered how peaceful life could be when life wasn’t all about war, and learning the art of war, and preparing for war... Lexa wanted all of her people to just be able to experience the forest like Costia did.

She became smarter in sneaking off to meet Costia. She made sure that her chores were finished and she remained focused in her training, because she _did_ want to make her people proud. Lexa wanted to stop the Heda’s warriors who came and took more of their crops and hunts than he would ever need. Leaving behind barely enough for her people to survive on.

Lexa achieved somewhat of a balance between the rigorous training and the sanctuary of Costia’s friendship. Until she one day went to meet Costia at their tree, only to find her friend and Anya already there, glaring at each other.

Lexa instantly ran forward and placed herself between them, fighting the bend of respect of her neck, willing herself to meet her Amin’s eyes and yet still only managing to stare at Anya’s neck as she shielded Costia behind her.

“You will speak to _me_ about my insolence, Onya.” Lexa’s voice came out more confident than she felt though. Fuelled by her protectiveness. But then she was shoved aside and Costia stepped forward to continue glaring at a stone-faced Anya.

Lexa hadn’t seen anyone ever being able to last in a stare down with Anya. Not even Gustus who was both older and larger than her Amin.

"She's my friend and she trains harder than anyone in the village." Costia’s voice was only slightly shaking and Lexa was once again paralyzed in awe by her. "She deserves time for herself, Amin Onya".

Anya was quiet for a long time, as Anya was want to do, and then she turned around and started walking back to the village.

"Come, Leksa." She commanded and Lexa's legs moved out of habit even as her eyes remained locked on Costia confusedly staring after Anya.

Their eyes met and Lexa grinned widely at her. If Costia will fight for their friendship, then so would Lexa.

Lexa’s workload increased again. Of course. She hadn’t expected much else. Only knew that Anya couldn’t watch her forever.

Costia thankfully made it her mission to defiantly walk passed where Lexa was training at least once a day and smile and wave and Lexa would dazedly stare back until a staff struck her back to the present. Lexa barely felt the pain through her excitedly pumping heart and would focus even harder after that. Because if she became Heda, she would be able to just be Costia’s friend and keep her safe and no one would question her decisions.

And at the end of her punishment, Lexa arrived home carrying two buckets of water from the well, to find Costia sitting in her home at their small kitchen table, slicing up potatoes.

Lexa almost dropped the water, but knew better than that. She was too tired to clean up such a mess, and wasn’t going to leave the house again to fetch more, and just stared at the scene in front of her.

Costia grinned, but Lexa’s eyes were on Anya, face soft as Lexa had sometimes seen it become at night, when it was just the two of them, and Lexa was practicing her reading, like the teacher had instructed her to do. The teacher Anya had sent for who lived in the Boat Clan, and who travelled all the way to teach Lexa how to read. Being able to read had been the best gift Lexa had ever received…

Anya stoked the coals in the oven and then placed a pot on top.

Lexa slowly walked closer with her buckets, careful not to spill. She waited and watched until Anya was finished pouring some water in the pot and then Lexa did something she had never done before. She threw her arms around Anya’s waist, and hugged her.

"Mochof, Nomon." It slipped out, and they both froze, but Lexa didn’t take it back. She fought the burn in her eyes when Anya remained silent, but then a gentle hand caressed over Lexa’s back and her fingers combed through Lexa's hair.

Lexa blinked away her tears, half her face still pressed against Anya’s chest and one eye landing on Costia grinning widely back at her. She hadn’t been punished because she was supposed to be Heda one day and shouldn’t have any friends, she’d been punished much like all the other children in the village were when they disobeyed their nomons. Lexa just hadn’t realised before that that was what Anya had been doing in only allowing her Costia back once she’d served her punishment for sneaking off.

Anya had taken her in; kept her safe. Clothed and fed her. Anya was teaching Lexa to protect herself and her people…

Lexa had a nomon and a best friend. She thought that that was all she would ever need in life.

Until over a year later, when they were sitting beneath their tree and Lexa was complaining about the boy who just wouldn’t stop following her around, and really, if he didn’t stop, she was sure Anya would understand if she punched him in the face.

Costia just stared at her strangely.

“What?” Lexa self-consciously asked, to which Costia shook her head as though Lexa was an idiot, which she did frequently, and then Costia leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

* * *

Lexa looked at Clarke and for the umpteenth time was baffled at how different she was to Costia.

Clarke had walked into her life as unexpectedly as Costia had, but aside from the intelligence, stubbornness, and big hearts, they were entirely different people.

Lexa had received attention from men and women alike, and yet only two women had curiously been able to completely floor her just with their presence alone.

Costia hadn’t known the Commander though. To her, Lexa had always just been Lexa. That was mostly Lexa’s doing, as she’d set out to purposely shield Costia from her duties and selfishly basked in the reprieve she could go hide in whenever she became tired of holding up her mask in front of the world who expected nothing less from her.

Costia had been the light in Lexa's life that opened up the possibilities of having more. Of having the children of the clans grow up without the need to learn how to kill. Costia had supported Lexa even when she abhorred the violence of it all, because she knew the world they lived in and still bravely and stubbornly refused to conform to it. Her courage inspired Lexa even more.

Lexa felt that she'd failed Costia because of that. Perhaps instead of shielding her, she should've taught her how to protect herself…

Though Lexa would love Costia forever, Clarke shared in her life. Every aspect of it. Clarke understood what it was like to be a leader. The expectations and the duty that came with the title. Watching Clarke grow into her own had been the greatest of honours and it had made Lexa love her even more.

* * *

Their guests had left and it was a few days later when Lexa had Clarke pressed onto her back in their bed, both of them naked and breathing heavily.

They’d fought just before, like they had been fighting every second they’d been alone. Because Lexa was in the process of making the biggest decision, one she knew would only be accepted if she came to the conclusion on her own. And she couldn’t tell Clarke, because Clarke would take it onto herself, and this wasn’t about her. This was Lexa’s choice.

So she couldn’t say yet what was wrong, and Clarke was worried, and often when Clarke was worried and scared and confused, she lashed out, and got angry. So very angry, but Lexa hovered above her.

Tentative. Open.

Intently watching Clarke’s face, trying to reassure her that they were okay. That maybe Lexa wasn’t so much. But that the two of them definitely were. That Lexa loved Clarke more than ever.

And slowly, Lexa could feel the change as their kisses and touches changed from angry and bruising, to comforting and somewhat bruising.

She held herself up on one arm, the other folded underneath Clarke. Holding her close. The muscles in her arm strained and her body felt weak as Clarke arched up against her; accepting her. Their bodies slickly slid together, Lexa’s hips nestled between Clarke’s thighs, causing Lexa to let out a shuddering breath, dipping her head down into Clarke’s neck.

Dizzy.

Lexa gasped when Clarke’s arms held her tighter, caressing down her back, rolling her body in perfect sync with the steady rocking of Lexa’s hips. Lexa’s eyelids fluttered, her jaw slack at the feel of Clarke’s warm centre grinding against her own…

Lexa reminded herself to breathe, feeling the pleasure coiling tightly beneath her quivering stomach.

She felt fingers twisting in her hair, as Clarke’s thighs spread wider, pulling Lexa closer still.

It was all Lexa could do to not moan a deep _thank you_ out loud. To verbally express her gratitude to Clarke for having bothered to learn her body, to know Lexa enough to not talk yet about what was bothering her. To understand that she just needed a little more time, as much as she needed this reassurance that Clarke was still there.

Clarke’s legs wrapped around her, as Lexa’s hips mindlessly rolled, strained. She pressed her face into Clarke’s breasts, wanting to express her love, her devotion, but the only sound that managed its way passed her lips was a strangled _: ‘Clarke’_ , as Lexa’s body arched, and stiffened, her climax washing over her in blissful waves…

Clarke held her, caressing Lexa’s quivering body, until she collapsed boneless into Clarke’s arms, humming contently as Clarke’s fingers continued to stroke through her hair and down her back.

Lexa hadn’t been able to sleep the last few days, and yet she finally felt her eyelids grow heavy, her body free of tension that wouldn’t return until morning. Lexa wanted to just bathe in the calm, until Clarke adjusted Lexa’s body from between her legs, pressing a thigh between hers in an attempt to get more comfortable beneath her. She was so wet and Lexa abruptly remembered that Clarke hadn’t climaxed yet.

Even through the foggy post coital bliss, Lexa felt her body wake up at just the thought of pressing her mouth between Clarke’s thighs.

As soon as she attempted to move though, Clarke’s arms tightened around her, the hand on her head scraped against Lexa’s scalp in a way that had her eyes instantly fluttering.

“Shhh, Baby…” Clarke rasped in that voice that sent delicious shivers up Lexa’s spine. “I’ve got you…” She reassured and Lexa was so taken aback that she just surrendered when Clarke pressed her head back down and accepted the comfort.

Her eyes stung with tears, because nothing had ever made Lexa feel as weak as loving Clarke. And yet, there were moments like these, where Clarke made it feel safe to be that weak. Lexa felt protected by her Steltrona. Her Warrior. Her Light. Her Heart.

* * *

Aiden was sick.

Lexa hadn’t had time to think about the future, because Aiden had fallen ill and she had never felt so helpless in her entire life. And it didn’t help that Clarke assured Lexa that Aiden would be fine, because how did Clarke know? His nose was blocked, his breathing laboured, and Lexa had taken up vigil at his cot, because as soon as his tiny wheezing chest stopped being audible, Lexa would rush to check that he was still breathing.

How could Clarke be so calm? Sure, fine. Clarke was a Healer. An excellent Healer at that. Clarke had treated plenty of sick children in Polis. But Aiden wasn’t just any child. Aiden was hers. And Lexa loved him with her entire being and how could Clarke not understand that that in itself placed him at a disadvantage in life?

Lexa had woken him inadvertently, when she thought she couldn’t feel a pulse, nor see him breathing. She felt instantly guilty, because he’d been so exhausted that he’d fallen into an almost comatose state and Lexa had woken him.

She gently picked him up, held him against her pyjama clad chest in apology and comfort. Usually his arms would wrap tightly around her neck, gripping her hair, or just holding her back. He was the true Commander in their household, who had everyone wrapped around his little finger.

But that night, Aiden just cried and slumped against her, sometimes weakly moving his head back as if trying to look up at Lexa’s face to show her his displeasure and the betrayal he felt that she wasn’t making him feel any better, before he would weakly fall against her again. Grumpy just like Clarke would get, and blaming Lexa for feeling miserable.

Okay, it _was_ her fault this time and tears prickled in Lexa’s eyes when he wetly cried himself into a coughing fit and she rubbed his back like Clarke had taught her too, looking around for the ointment that would soothe his chest.

“Bosh moba, ai strik gona.” Lexa whispered through a tightening throat.

_Apologies, my little warrior._

But her panic grew, because Aiden wasn’t stopping his coughing nor his crying and he sounded like he couldn’t breathe... His chest sounded wet and sickly, and the hiccups seemed to be choking him as he attempted to scream at her, but no sound came out. He gasped for breath, his body shaking with sobs, and he was way too hot... He had a fever again. They thought he was getting better. He clearly _wasn’t_.

“Clarke!” Lexa frantically called toward the bathroom where Clarke had gone to take a shower after having struggled to get Aiden down and then Lexa had gone and woken him up and now he had a fever and couldn’t _breathe_.

It was all her fault.

“Clarke!!” Lexa could hear the panic in her own voice and wasn’t surprised when Clarke burst out of the bathroom, clearly having been trying to hurriedly dress when she’d heard the coughing starting up.

“I can’t.” Lexa apologised and handed Aiden to a confused looking Clarke, who went over to her medicine bag, alternating between soothing Aiden, and staring questioningly at Lexa.

Lexa felt helpless. Useless.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured to the both of them, turned on her heel, and fled the bedroom.

* * *

Lexa sat on her throne of all places, not having on any armour or war paint. Bare feet in her pyjamas, she felt entirely naked as she’d rushed passed her night guard, on her way to her workshop, but feeling guilty that they would follow her there and stand outside waiting for her, she’d chosen to seek out the antler throne to aid her in pulling on her mask. That invisible armour she drew on which had nothing to do with the various pieces of metal she sometimes strapped to her body.

Lexa could’ve dismissed the guards of course, told them not to follow after her. But Lexa hadn’t trusted herself to speak, so she’d redirected to the war room, where she’d lowered onto her throne and just barely managed to rein in her spiralling emotions.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there for, but when there was a soft knock and a blonde head peaked into the room, Lexa knew that she’d been waiting for Clarke to come find her.

She stared at the floor in front of her when she felt curious eyes settle on her. She listened to the door softly closing and Clarke walking forward.

Lexa sat back and accepted the body that situated itself on her lap and then stared at Clarke’s collarbones.

“Aiden?” Lexa questioned, her brain still forming the words she would need to tell Clarke now. She knew Aiden was fine, Clarke wouldn’t be reclining in her lap if he wasn’t. Still she checked, because Lexa liked to be sure of things.

“Asleep. Grunt is watching over him.”

Lexa nodded and Clarke started braiding her hair. Waiting. More patiently than Lexa could ever have imagined her capable of being, considering what a wreck Lexa had been acting of late.

“I have decided to hold a Conclave.” Lexa started and Clarke’s hand stilled and fell away from her hair.

Lexa looked up and met the crystal blue orbs staring down at her. Clarke’s brow was furrowed, but she waited for more information.

“I will choose my successor from whomever the clans send to participate.” Lexa clarified and Clarke just continued to stare at her like she’d grown a second head and Lexa shifted uncomfortably, adjusting Clarke in her lap to make sure she didn’t fall off. “There is peace. I have done what my people have asked of me.” She nodded for emphasis, hoping it would help with the finality of her words.

Clarke remained quiet and rigidly pondering, until Lexa could feel her relaxing again, her hands going up to continue braiding Lexa’s hair.

“What would you do after the Conclave?” Clarke murmured, her reaction still not as severe in any of the directions Lexa had anticipated. Clarke remained infuriatingly neutral, even as Lexa’s anxiety rose at the things she was saying. Declaring. To Clarke. Which turned them from mere thoughts into solid realities.

“Polis is ours. I will remain here. Run the city, and enjoy my family.” Lexa smiled at that. Genuinely. Feeling some of the certainty she had hoped to feel.

“And what if another war breaks out?” Clarke softly asked, shattering that certainty. It wasn’t as though Lexa hadn’t thought about that.

“Then the new Commander will handle it.”

Clarke hummed, and nodded, continuing with her meticulous braiding and then:

“You think the war won’t affect us here in Polis?”

“We have our own warriors. I’ve been working on plans to expand and reinforce the walls. They’re making crossbows in the Iron Clan. I have the designs. I will place warriors all along the walls. Polis is growing, we need duties for everyone. We have the means and the manpower to stay safe from any wars our people choose to fight outside of these walls.”

Lexa waited with baited breath as Clarke quietly braided two long strands before she spoke again.

“And you won’t send aid?”

“Of course we will.”

“To whom?”

“To whomever is in need of it.”

“You would need to take a side.”

“There will be no sides then, only people in need of aid while their leaders war.”

“If you send assistance to the wrong people, then you’ll place Polis at risk.”

“Clarke this is a hypothetical situation.”

“It is, but it doesn’t change the fact that you want to hide behind these walls and then think you can still get involved in the politics outside of it. Taking in refugees, sending aid, no matter how neutral we would intend it to be, it would still be perceived as getting involved. And we wouldn’t know what was happening, because we wouldn’t have been keeping an eye on the clans.”

“Then…” Lexa swallowed thickly. “Then we will do nothing.”

“You’ll really be fine with that?”

“Did you marry me only because I am Heda?” Lexa teased, even when part of her seriously wondered. Mostly she just wanted to get rid of the feeling that Clarke was disappointed in her decision.

Clarke had only ever wanted to be a Healer and an artist. She was happiest when she wasn’t shoved into leadership positions by necessity and by Lexa.

Clarke didn’t laugh, but her eyes were soft as she stared back at Lexa and Lexa forgot about talking as she just stared back at her, relaxing under the fingers that had started caressing up her jaw, and massaged her scalp.

“Children are curious.” Clarke softly spoke. “They explore, they test their own limitations. They get hurt and sick…”

Lexa tensed, but Clarke was still stroking her into a coma so she didn’t react as much as she thought she would.

“I’ve seen it so many times. How resilient they are…”

“Have you seen them being kidnapped? Held hostage? Or worse?” Lexa asked, not unkindly, just resigned.

“We will protect Aiden.” Clarke stated with such certainty that Lexa almost forgot that she’d been obsessing over how they _couldn’t_ protect Aiden for the last few weeks.

“I’ve placed him in danger by bringing him into this home where death follows me. Where it just waits to strike as though it has some vendetta to settle.”

Clarke kissed her. It was unexpected. It was warm and tender and it continued to keep Lexa calm. Rational.

“We’ll give him to another family then.” Clarke declared and Lexa was just distracted enough to send her an affronted glare, before rolling her eyes, because obviously Clarke didn’t mean that.

Clarke smirked and Lexa shook her head.

“Whether you’re Heda or not, our people will always look to you when they need leadership.” Clarke assuredly stated. “Our allies will look to you, more so than any other Heda. Your duty won’t end any time soon. Especially not now, so soon after we’ve found some stability in our lives. Stepping down now, may actually lead to another war.”

Lexa leaned back into her throne. Defeated. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought about that either. Earning the trust of the Coalition took years. Holding the Coalition together took time and effort. Lexa could announce Roan as head of the Coalition, he was a warrior more so than the others. It was important to the people, that the person leading their armies could and would fight alongside them. Lexa could understand that. Roan didn’t even want to be king of Azgeda though. He was there now, because he was a good man that would sacrifice for his people.

Lexa could train someone else… But that would take time. A lot of time.

Clarke was right. Stepping down as Heda would most likely directly lead to conflict at that particular point in time. People greedy for the throne, those jealous if they didn’t get it, would all become potential enemies…

“We’ll keep Aiden safe. We’ll keep our people safe.” Clarke confidently stated. “We’ll maintain peace and show our people that we are living our lives and growing our family and it will inspire them to do the same.”

Lexa gaped at Clarke. Her wise, brilliant Steltrona. Clarke who became Gonheda when Lexa needed her to. Who fought a Mountain when Lexa couldn’t. Clarke who was there for Aiden when Lexa ran away.

“You can be Heda and Nomon.” Clarke softly assured. “Because you have me to help you.” She smirked. “You’ve been up with him as many nights as I have. I’ve checked in with the captains when he was sleeping in your arms. I know how to run Polis, so will take on more duties here at home. We’ll secure the city as you suggested, and between us, we’ll make sure Aiden always has the attention of a mother, and the safety of the capitol to grow up in.”

Lexa’s chest swelled with love and pride as she listened to Clarke who had obviously known of all her reservations for quite some time and had planned a smooth rebuttal against all of Lexa’s fears. Because yes, Lexa had been feeling overwhelmed, useless, because she thought she needed to do more than what she was doing when it came to her family.

“We don’t need a new Heda, but you’ll need to appoint a new Gonheda.”

Lexa didn’t like that idea at all, and opened her mouth to object, but paused when Clarke’s fingers covered up her lips.

“Not your decision to make, Leks.” Clarke gently reminded and Lexa shrunk back in shame. Clarke had just listened and asked questions about her decision to find a successor, and Lexa had been ready to just tell her no.

Selfish. So selfish.

She hung her head, but Clarke lifted her chin and Lexa looked up at her, because how could she not?

“We’ll get a Gonheda you can trust to travel on your behalf, so you’ll be able to spend more time at home, watching Aiden grow. Making love to me…” She smirked and Lexa grinned at her, feeling twelve years old again and in awe of a pretty girl with mesmerizing eyes.

“I’ll still serve as an advisor when you need me, but our people need me here. Aiden needs me here. I _want_ to be here and I’ll keep things under control for whenever you can’t be here with our people, or with Aiden. Okay?”

Lexa felt stupid. She felt as though all of her stress had been for nothing. That it could’ve been avoided. But part of her had known Clarke would compromise, and she hadn’t wanted Clarke to feel as though she needed to. Lexa needed Clarke to know that she was also willing to sacrifice for their family.

But Clarke looked so certain and happy in her plans. And it all did sound so achievable.

“Maybe when Aiden’s older, we could even travel with you... It would be good for his education…” Clarke carefully suggested and they were back to square one level of anxiety as Lexa tensed up all over again.

She thought of her procession riding to the clans, and all the dangers on the road that could befall them. All the potential dangers within the clans they would visit... Clarke remained quiet, waiting for her. Clarke seemed to do that a lot… Waiting. Hadn’t Lexa promised to take her on a tour of the clans? Instead she’d handed Clarke a child and wanted to reinforce her walls and keep them safely behind them…

Lexa was a horrible houmon. She knew she could trust Clarke and Grunt with her life. She had people in her personal guard who she knew would give their lives to protect her and her family. It was an awful feeling, to count on others in that way. Clarke and Aiden’s safety seemed _Lexa’s_ responsibility, but, Clarke was also right, that the best way to protect them and ensure their future, would be to remain Heda. To have her trusted warriors do what they had trained to do. What they’d taken vows to do.

Lexa sighed. Still tense. But resigned. She wanted to give her family what they deserved. They deserved her fulfilling her duty so that they could enjoy a world at peace. Yes. Lexa nodded to herself, only stopping when she felt Clarke’s lips at her temple as though she already knew she had managed to shake Lexa out of her insecurities.

Of course she knew.

“Luna has sent messages that she wants to meet Aiden.” Lexa murmured, pulling Clarke closer, feeling a renewed purpose. Abby had been correct that she didn’t have to choose. Lexa just hadn’t been ready to listen. It just wasn’t her life; to have everything…

But with a houmon like Clarke at her side, she didn’t need to miss out on Aiden growing up. She would still need to travel, but maybe…

“I have a house there… On the rocks, by the oceanside…” Lexa confessed and Clarke’s eyes widened. And Lexa was nodding to herself again, mostly willing herself to say it out loud, or she might not pull through with it. She would always worry, but she didn’t need to have her fears dictate her life. “I think Aiden would love it there.” She shyly stared up at Clarke who clearly hadn’t expected the gesture. At least not yet, and Lexa was already panicking at the long journey to the Boat Clan and all that could go wrong, but she’d promised Clarke, hadn’t she? “I think you would love it there too –

Her mouth was covered in a searing kiss, which Lexa reciprocated instantly. Yes, this was her duty. To make Clarke happy. She could visit in an official capacity. Leave a new Gonheda in charge in Polis and enjoy the ocean with her family for a few days.

“Once Aiden is well enough to travel, of course.” Lexa dazedly added between kisses. Feeling more resolute at the excitement she could feel pouring out of Clarke in waves.

Lexa had always thought that the Commander was solely for the people. But her position afforded her so many opportunities to educate her son about their world. To bring her houmon joy through showing her the beauty which lay outside of their walls and the constraints of war.

Lexa lifted Clarke as she stood, before smoothly turning and lowering her onto the throne and kneeling down between Clarke’s knees.

Clarke’s eyes were still sparkling with excitement at the thought of travelling throughout the clans, even as they’d grown darker at Lexa’s new position.

“Finally, our lives will be more than just surviving.” Lexa promised and raised herself up into Clarke’s waiting mouth.

* * *

 


End file.
